big f'ing pity party for me, but you can get over it

The Jacket (2005): pretty confusing. they really leave you hanging about how the jacket really works and what is going to happen in the future with him. is he going to die when he dies in the jacket or does his future self live on? who knows, who cares. keira knightley looks amazing in the movie, but i hate her character. she seemed to be trying to act as kate winslet in eternal sunshine. didn't live up to kate though. there are some pretty disturbing scenes throughout when he is in the jacket. it'll be a challenge to some to not want to look away. and of course i have all my usual time travel paradox issues that the movies doesn't make sense of. its not worth seeing simply because there are too many unanswered questions at the end.

had a hard time yesterday. started the morning with a not so very good dream involving nat port. and of course the day ended by a nice batch of harsh reality. i have a good feeling that the crappiness of yesterday will seep into tomorrow when i have my interview and it will go terrible. actually, i'm thinking it will seep into the rest of the year. i wonder sometimes if friends are worth the hassle. sure, some good comes out of having them, but many times its more of a complication in my life than anything else. i wish i could just go into hiding for a few years. i guess that kinda what i did by coming to utah and that didn't help. school is terrible right now. its getting pretty close to being over, but this is one of the hardest semesters i've had because all of my teachers are the biggest retards alive. i hate going, i hate staying home and watching crappy dvd commentaries every day, i hate not having real friends at my disposal, i hate school, i hate waking up this early for my job, i hate the fact that there are seagulls out every morning but no coastline, i hate birthdays, i hate my stupid life, i hate money and stupid stocks i can't buy and those that can. i want to just leave it all behind and run away again. the greatest thing in the world that could happen is if i get this internship and take a break. or getting into a law school far from the crap would be nice too. i thought these dumb ass pills were helping, at least that's what i've been told. i couldn't really see a difference. the problem is that all it takes is for one bad week or one bad day for everything to just come flowing back into my head and i start thinking about dying again and about being alone on an island somewhere and about waking up and no one knowing who i am. i want to grow my hair out and just sit around. i want the time in life to read some really good books. i want to be in middle school again where friends would come over and ask if i could come out and play. no drama or storybook love. i can't even look myself in the mirror these days without feeling sick but i didn't used to feel this way. i always knew i wasn't good looking and was fat, but it didn't seem to make much of a difference then. now it drives me insane. speaking of unattractive fat guys, you hear fred durst has a new sex video out? way to go freddy! don't these people learn? anyways, i'm confused as always and don't have a clue what i want and what could make me happy. as someone once said, "I’m so sick of being in an off mood. I just want to be sure of my life and where its going and who with and wake up knowing as far as I can tell its going to be a happy day. I’m just tired of it all." that about sums it up.

so please feel free to leave the stupid ass comments telling me to get over all of this and quit whining. because that sure helps let me tell you. you know, the second i read that, everything is all better and i stop whining so thank you. and don't come to me about this crap either. i hate confrontation. as conor says:

and i'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
the reasons have run away but the feeling never did
it's not something i would recommend, but it is one way to live
cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
what's so simple in the moonlight, by the morning is so complicated
what's so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight.